I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. For a long while I didn’t take it seriously — it sounded like a joke. «Don’t all people feel the same as I do? Everyone can be sad or happy». Simply put, I didn’t want to think about what was going on in my life, and what was happening to me in particular. It could probably keep going this way for a long time, but then I started to notice that my close ones were drifting away from me, and I was trying to forget myself among people I hardly new. Going out every night, looking for new sensations, not caring about my safety. Looking for those able to satisfy my emotional hunger. And every time feeling this all is not enough. I stay awake for days, smoke hard and drink constantly. And then a long leap in the dark. After that I’m lying in my bed, wishing to close my eyes and never wake up again. I’m breathing slowly and trying not to cry. It seemed I had everything under control but in reality I have long lost it.
I took the camera to note my emotions, to distance from myself and try to find the way out. When they ask me what it is like to be in mania or depression or in both at the same time — honestly, it’s hard for me to tell. But I can show it. This is what’s inside my head, that can’t be seen. I used to believe nothing like that could ever happen to me. Now I’m learning to live with my diagnosis.